Tag Archives: the broken kinks

The ugly people vs autumn

SIlia:

I’m sorry. I’ll say it now in the beginning of the post so you know it. I’m terribly sorry. I have the most horrendous autumn depression, and have been battling demons for a couple of weeks. Hopefully the worst is now over. So, tada. I’m back.

So that you don’t loose confidence in me completely I’m gonna make a very short explanation about the depression. I’m sensitive to hormonal changes. Many people are. I had a great childhood, wasn’t even bullied that bad, everything has been abfab the whole time, but I still get depressed. And I get panic attacks, and I fall apart. I try (oh god I do try) to not do it in public, so then I have to lock myself in for a couple of weeks. So, don’t feel sorry for me and please do not start thinking I’m one of the sexually-abused-selfdestructive-now-gone-bdsm girls. Selfdestructive possibly. But no, no horrible abuse, nothing. Just sensitive. Thanks a bunch. Lets get on with this then bois and girlies.

The Ugly

Everytime I surf kink-communities it breaks my heart. Is this the people that will, for the rest of my life, try to sex me up? Am I stuck with these wallmart/jysk/coop/equivalent supermarket with clothes/furniture/food for people without taste/tastebuds-type of people? Is this it? Goddamnit! And when I think those thoughts, my sexuality dies a bit.

I’m shallow. I’m extremely horrible, bad and shallow. Why? Because I actually want to be turned on by the looks of the person who is shagging me. I feel it is degrading when some ugly* horrible flabby man/woman stands there with bad teeth and halitosis and ties me up and you know, fucks me.

It could definitely be a kink, this whole shagging-the-uglies. But I prefer to give power to some one who deserves it, both intellectually and physically. Else, it’s even more a play, it becomes horrible obvious that I’m all pretend. I don’t want that. I don’t want to feel disgust.

Yes, disgust. That is what I feel. I’m sorry, again, but I feel disgusted by these no-taste-no-brain people, especially when they start talking about SSC and alike. I feel so detached when someone I wouldn’t touch even if i got paid a million for it starts talking about safety precautions. In my world they wouldn’t ever need any safety precautions because they would never have any use for them.
Or, lets rephrase that. I don’t like when they start talking to me about sex and assume that the safety discussion is necessary come miracle and we would have sex. Read my lips: It wont happen. It seems like kink has become the safecard to pull for the uglies to get laid with the goodies. Instead of, for example, learn how to dress and talk, think, walk, behave and so on. “I look like crap and I haven’t bought new jeans (or my god, leather trousers) since 1995, but hey, I’m really good at shibari”. Look at my face: Does it in any way indicate sexual interest? Hey, you can even feel my panties if you want to. It doesn’t get drier. Welcome to desert land.

Or why not, here is a favourite, ugly people telling me they demand this and this and that of me. “You are a submissive, and to earn my domination you have to be willing to submit like this and this”. Thats interesting, now please go away. It’s annoying when anyone does that, but it’s even more annoying when it’s a damn ugly nobody who does it. Somewhere in the evil depths of my mind lurks the sentence “shut up, you should be grateful I’m even reading this”.

I need to respect the person I have sex with. I need to know that when we finished shagging, slapping and tying eachother to the bed, I’m gonna be able to have an interesting conversation with this person. I need to know that if I crash this person will pick me up, not pat me on the shoulder and go: Oh, SSC.
Yes, I’m playing connect the dots here. Ugly, tasteless person with no sence of social skills (because, if they had, they wouldn’t dress so damn bad) is not someone I think would suddenly turn into a person that actually knows how to pick me up. Yes, yes, please do bash me. Thats ok, this’s a rant after all.

Look at it this way: Someone who has a completely different lifestyle then you, do you think that person is fit to be your playpartner? Stop being politically correct: Do you seriously think that someone who is so far away from you as can be, would be able to understand you? No. Well, I work with design and spend my days discussing social structures. I write and I photograph. Do you seriously think that a person who spend their time working with trends would be able to get something out of someone who is blind when it comes to the same area?

Oh well. I guess I’ll have to go back to the vanilla pond.

*Ugly here means “with nothing interesting, not looks, not personality, nothing”. Ugly = not in any way attractive. Don’t pretend you are jesus, you have seen people like that too. Admit it, you don’t want to sleep with them.


Oh teh SAD.

So, I’m lying on the floor, tied up in a whatsitcalled, frogtie, hogtie, random ugly animal-tie, on my back anyhow. He is sitting on the floor saying things and I’m trying to look submissive and behave like I care. You know, like I give a shit about anything else then getting fucked. Like him. He is a bit cute.

“This is what you like, isn’t it, you damn slut. You are just begging for my cock, aren’t you, your masters cock”
And so on. I make some muffled contributes to the conversation, thanking god for the gag because there is no way in a burning hell I would be able to keep a straight face and say “yes, master, I’m your slut”.
But, Silia, aren’t you submissive, I thought you were, everyone I know who is into BDSM and knows you claims that you are?
Well. Here it is then: No, I’m not. I just like being fucked that way. I like playing that role, and I like using submissiveness as a surrogat for love, when I don’t have that to give. If I can’t give you my heart, here, take my body instead and I’m sorry for the inconvinience but the heart is closed for maintenance right now. Will be back shortly. In the meantime, feel free to fuck me senseless and call me a whore.

Because I know what you can’t have.

It’s power play. I give you the power over my body, and I excersise the power of knowing that I can make you drool and beg and nag and dream and think everyday about the possibility to get that power again. And we both know that the power I give away is not real. It’s just play. But the power I have over you is very real.

And I use my power. All I can.

Angelina Jolie

I can’t see anything holy about my body. I know I’m suppose to see it as some sort of temple, but frankly, I’d rather have sex.

I’m not submissive. I like pretending to be, but more then once in the context of dominant men or women I find my self more than a little offended that they think they have power over me. It’s a mix between Prove me wrong! and Get out of my face. I know I don’t like winning a fight, because my way of keeping control is to ensure the other part that they have control over me. I trick them. And when they indulge in excersizing their power, I grow cold. Because they are easy and I can manipulate them.

Do you remember the movie with Angelina Jolie, Girl, Interupted? She screams in the end of the movie something about Why isn’t anybody pushing my buttons? I know that feeling. Sometimes I’m standing in the center of a storm, pushing and pushing and pushing away everyone, but nobody pushes back. So I push a little further. This is not good practica in sex. Especially not when the other person is holding a whip. I think this might also be the reason that I almost punched a guy in the face. He just kept doing what he thought was ok, and I just kept letting him. Pushing him further away from me, making him smaller and smaller in my eyes, until all he was, was a drooling sexgraced idiot who was so distanced from me that I wanted to kick his ass. I didn’t. But I managed to get myself back to reality and stop it. I was about 30 cm from his face with my fist by then.

This is the sad post. I promise not to make them a habit. But sometimes I think it’s important to speak up about what drives different people into the whole BDSM scene. Even if we are all grown ups and SSC (argh argh, more about that later), many people both here and in vanilla land, are broken and looking for ways to fix themself. In general, I’d say, don’t do it my way. Try the happy go luck ignorant road abit to the right instead. So much more fun, even if I do get laid more often;).


Trylesbian

Hi, my name is silia and I’m trying to give up men.

This sounds a bit silly I know, but there is a good reason. I’ve completely lost respect for the opposite sex. Why? Because they are simple and easy and just generally bleh. I figured if I quit having emotional relationships or continious sexual relationships (MTONS, More Than One Night Stands) with them I might be able to get myself into liking them again, at least liking them as people.

This is really the backside of my life, I’ve started objectifying men. I see them as tools, cathegorized as Sex or Not sex, depending on fuckability rating. And I don’t want to be like that.

I had a poetry reading yesterday at a café, I talked a bit about the fact that i still have sex with men, not because i like them or that they in any way turn me on, but just because they are so easy. It got a ragged cheer.
I’m not sure how to talk to the abfab girl about this, since it is a bit well, it does make it sound like I’m with her just to get a new shot at being with a man. It’s not like that in any way, it’s two separate things, but I can see things getting misinterpretated. It is quite hard and interesting trying to form some sort of emotional relationship that is both queer and steps away from mono-norms and even poly-norms in a way. I still need to figure out if I want to go against to poly-norm and opt for complete relationship anarchism. It would be nice but I actually like labels sometimes. I want to be able at some point to say “this is my girlfriend”. (Not yet, but at some point in the future, ok?) Just for the sake of the thing, maybe just because I want proof that this is something more. More than what? Because now we are back in the same thing again, I want to value somethings more than others and it is wrong wrong wrong.

The whole point is that friends and lovers should be alike. But its hard. I, like everyone else, wants to know that I’m special. Unique. The one she prefers infront of others. Thats just shit. I should just be happy that I have her from time to time. But being human is to be greedy and I just want more.

Ve wrote a bit about Vanilla earlier and I gotta comment.. She wrote:
And to be really honest. I would probably not coming out on this kind of scene if I hadn’t moved to London. I would probably still be lingering in vanilla land where every touch is half of what it can be, where every soft kiss is a understated bite in the neck. I will freely admit that I do vanilla, that I am tactile and caring, cause some vanillas out there seem to think something else.”

Where every touch is half of what it can be. And here I am and really really want to call Ve in London and scream that Curse you its damn well not half! Because it isnt.
If there is something BDSM-people has to learn, it’s the fact that they haven’t found the holy grail of sex, they’re not better lovers and they are not above the vanillas. They are just different. And also possibly a little bit fucked up. I should know, I am one. I mean, what is more ok, to get turned on by someone caressing your neck, or someone trying to suffocate you? I like them both equally, but I am very well aware of which one is socially acceptable, and also WHY the other one isn’t as ok.
Vanilla sex is not half of BDSM-sex, it is just as much and just as good. That cat’o’nine is not magic and does not turn you into superlover deluxe.

I had great vanilla sex, I had crap vanilla sex. I had boring sessions being hogtied, and I had scary sessions and good ones. But the bad vanilla sex never once got as bad as the scary sessions. (If we for the sake of the argument exclude rape, because the session wasn’t rape.) I mean, bad vanilla is more of the sort “Oh no, ouch, not there, my god i can’t even feel him any more” and so on. A bad session? That was more of a “ok, I’m panicking, can’t talk and he doesnt listen for FUCK SAKE I’ll fucking kill him soon get me the FUCK out of here.”. I’ve never tried to punch someone in the face during vanilla.


The natdoms need me!

Silia (I’ll use this indicator until we got the CSS right, so you can be sure who is writing):
Yes, this might sound a bit strange, but dominant men of the sort “it’s natural” actually needs me. Quite a lot.

Why? Well, first of all, I’m a female submissive. I’m the one they are trying to tie up just to shove their tiny penises into my mouth, thinking they are deep throating me when really they barely go pass the teeth. Yup, thats me. I’m the one they think of at night and I’m the one they hope to see on the next bdsm-themed house party and I’m the one that’d look so cute collared and I’m the one that needs a man in my life to understand that my true place is in the kitchen, by the stove, giving birth.

And then again, I’m not. Because while wandering the long dark corridors of the internet, it seems like I’m the one female submissive who actually just want to bitch slap these males around a bit. Otherwhise the natdoms would have learned how to behave, right? It can’t just be that they aren’t listening? No, please, say it aint so. Don’t tell me that my kink is god damn full of idiots with no insight in feminism, gender issues or, for that: fashion.

Look at them! Leather trousers, beards and those silly vests or ugly old t-shirts. I rather have vanilla for the rest of my life then even look at one of them again! Sometimes I think about holding classes, or seminars on about how to dress for them. I mean, i have somewhat of a kink for luxury combined with filth, you know, champange, smeared lipstick, cocaine and gangbangs, that sort of stuff. Now, if you reread that sentence, can you see anywhere in there where it says “biker”?
I want the doms to be good looking guys with good looking clothes, good looking shoes and good damn looking haircuts. I have only one rule in my life (I had quite a few more, but I kinda broke them and gave up), and here it is: I do not mercy-fuck.
And If you dress like the stereotype of natdoms, trust me, the closest to consent you’d ever get from me, is pity.

Why do men think that to look manly, they have to look like they time travelled from some white trash suburb in 1997? I see the whole thing as a way of exposing insecurity, because if you were such a “real man” and such a “natural dominant” you wouldn’t need to show it off by looking like, yeah, white trash.

This is like the whole business of SSC. People that all the time shout and scream about the fact they live by the rules of SSC makes me feel damn uneasy. Well, I do too, but since I do, I do not have any need of telling everyone the whole time. People that do tell feels like the people who will use this as an argument if they break it: “no, i can’t do anything wrong, you know how much I’m for SSC”.

What scares me maybe the most, is natdoms that go for the whole look, talks a lot about SSC and likes to have a woman who knows her place. I asked one of them once, “So, if my place is above you..?”. He didn’t get it. He started talking about the importance of getting to know eachother before starting to behave according to D/s, and blahblah, but he went on assuming that every womans place: Was below him. He seemed like a guy who actually had about no one below him, and quite a few above. About the rest of the planet actually.

On the other hand, there’s lots of femsubs who likes this. That wants to sleep with ugly, fat men with micropenises. At least it seems like it. So maybe it’s me, maybe I should stop whining and get rid of my kinks all together.

I wanted to write “it’s gonna be hard to find someone who both dress nice and fucks good”, then I realized that I haven’t found anyone that dresses bad and fucks good either. The dom (not natdoms, i do not fraternize with the enemy) guys I have played or had sex with (or both) have all been living in that same bubble, where Penis is compulsory and Clitoris is an extra.
I actually talked to one of them about this and he said “But you can’t expect me to stimulate it all the time”.. Well, I’m tied up, so I can’t really do it myself now can I?
He figured that over the course of half a year, he came almost every time we had sex, and I sucked his penis every damn time, but I should be happy with my four (4) orgasms and that he went down on me twice.
For some reason this was supposed to be enough for me and I should be happy that he cared at all.
And this from a guy that was quite caring and nice. He just didn’t understand that excluding my orgasms was equivalent of excluding his. Something that would never cross his mind.

After that I decided to stop giving blowjobs. It’s just not interesting anymore. And frankly, I don’t like it that much. See what you did, dominant guys! It’s all your fault!


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