Trylesbian

Hi, my name is silia and I’m trying to give up men.

This sounds a bit silly I know, but there is a good reason. I’ve completely lost respect for the opposite sex. Why? Because they are simple and easy and just generally bleh. I figured if I quit having emotional relationships or continious sexual relationships (MTONS, More Than One Night Stands) with them I might be able to get myself into liking them again, at least liking them as people.

This is really the backside of my life, I’ve started objectifying men. I see them as tools, cathegorized as Sex or Not sex, depending on fuckability rating. And I don’t want to be like that.

I had a poetry reading yesterday at a café, I talked a bit about the fact that i still have sex with men, not because i like them or that they in any way turn me on, but just because they are so easy. It got a ragged cheer.
I’m not sure how to talk to the abfab girl about this, since it is a bit well, it does make it sound like I’m with her just to get a new shot at being with a man. It’s not like that in any way, it’s two separate things, but I can see things getting misinterpretated. It is quite hard and interesting trying to form some sort of emotional relationship that is both queer and steps away from mono-norms and even poly-norms in a way. I still need to figure out if I want to go against to poly-norm and opt for complete relationship anarchism. It would be nice but I actually like labels sometimes. I want to be able at some point to say “this is my girlfriend”. (Not yet, but at some point in the future, ok?) Just for the sake of the thing, maybe just because I want proof that this is something more. More than what? Because now we are back in the same thing again, I want to value somethings more than others and it is wrong wrong wrong.

The whole point is that friends and lovers should be alike. But its hard. I, like everyone else, wants to know that I’m special. Unique. The one she prefers infront of others. Thats just shit. I should just be happy that I have her from time to time. But being human is to be greedy and I just want more.

Ve wrote a bit about Vanilla earlier and I gotta comment.. She wrote:
And to be really honest. I would probably not coming out on this kind of scene if I hadn’t moved to London. I would probably still be lingering in vanilla land where every touch is half of what it can be, where every soft kiss is a understated bite in the neck. I will freely admit that I do vanilla, that I am tactile and caring, cause some vanillas out there seem to think something else.”

Where every touch is half of what it can be. And here I am and really really want to call Ve in London and scream that Curse you its damn well not half! Because it isnt.
If there is something BDSM-people has to learn, it’s the fact that they haven’t found the holy grail of sex, they’re not better lovers and they are not above the vanillas. They are just different. And also possibly a little bit fucked up. I should know, I am one. I mean, what is more ok, to get turned on by someone caressing your neck, or someone trying to suffocate you? I like them both equally, but I am very well aware of which one is socially acceptable, and also WHY the other one isn’t as ok.
Vanilla sex is not half of BDSM-sex, it is just as much and just as good. That cat’o’nine is not magic and does not turn you into superlover deluxe.

I had great vanilla sex, I had crap vanilla sex. I had boring sessions being hogtied, and I had scary sessions and good ones. But the bad vanilla sex never once got as bad as the scary sessions. (If we for the sake of the argument exclude rape, because the session wasn’t rape.) I mean, bad vanilla is more of the sort “Oh no, ouch, not there, my god i can’t even feel him any more” and so on. A bad session? That was more of a “ok, I’m panicking, can’t talk and he doesnt listen for FUCK SAKE I’ll fucking kill him soon get me the FUCK out of here.”. I’ve never tried to punch someone in the face during vanilla.

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10 responses to “Trylesbian

  • TigerKay

    polyheart.se
    Swedish community for people seeking alternative to mononorms

    /Kay

  • Sofia

    First, pardon my bad english writing.
    I agree with you regarding vanilla- versus BDSM-sex. And all vanillas are not still in the closet.

    “I want to value somethings more than others and it is wrong wrong wrong.
    The whole point is that friends and lovers should be alike. ”
    I have a few objects to this. First, of course you value some friends more than others. But I guess that wasn’t what you meant. More important, I mean that although you love your closest friends, you don’t fall in love with everyone. That doesn’t mean that I’m normative about relationships, at least I try not to be. But I can not see how it can be “wrong” to love one (or four) more, or in another way, than others. Besides, I like your blog! /Sofia

  • Silia

    Kay: Thanx for the link! We’ll add it to the others:D.

    Sofia:
    I think I mean that you shouldn’t differ between friends and lovers in how you value them.. Or more like in how you treat the type of relationship. No one relationship type is worth more than the other. I think. Its a bit hard to explain, since it is theories about emotions. They’re always impossible. Maybe I mean that I shouldn’t try to force a normative relationship upon the ones I fall in love with just to prove my own value? Hmm.. I think I’ll need to dig into this further.
    Thanx for liking us, we def. like you too:D.

  • Sofia

    (I understand that labels like “friendship”, “falling in love”, etc are part of the normativity, but I use them anyway, because I find no better terms. )

    What I think is wrong, is normativity. People have certain expectations when someone falls in love. “Boyfriend” is a concept that contains a cluster of elements, he is instantly regarded as closer to the person than old friends etc.

    I think that the feeling of “being in love” often gets people more obsessed and wanting to get closer to the other person(s), than close friendship does. You sholdn’t be expected to feel that way, but it can’t be wrong doing it, as long as you are aware of the normativity and respect the alternatives.

    An analogy to sexuality: As a feminist I have knowledge of the patriarchy. Nevertheless I have to find out what I like when it comes to sex. That is rather depressing, because my sexuality is masochistic/submissive (for me submissiveness is humiliation and thus masochism). I can see how the patriarchy played a part in creating my sexuality, but at least I may have better odds as a feminist, playing with the fire.

    I have not studied much on this topic, maybe this was too basic for you. Surely you have more sophisticated terms for discussing this. Thank you anyway for your answer!
    Goodnight!
    Sofia

  • polyandrova

    Hah, it’s totally true that the BDSM-community is full of fucked up people. I’ve have until now been sleeping with two people claiming they have NOT got any psycological problems. And that’s about 5% of my total amount of partners…

  • Silia

    Sofia: In one way, I always felt that the tools you have as a feminist in bdsm is just tricking you into feeling safer than you are..

    And I think at least for me, using mono-norm terms is just making me excuse mono-norm behavior from myself that I don’t approve of.

  • Silia

    polyandrova:
    Here I am, trying to be nice and not insult everyone.. 😛 Thanks for saying out right what I tried to pretend not saying. 🙂

  • Ve

    I think I should really clarify something.
    “Half what it can be”.
    What I meant was the feeling you can get when your in bed, doing whatever you do. You don’t really well get off on it and know there is something wrong with the whole thing but don’t know how to express it. And not being able to know how to change that, until you come up infront of something that change how you think about your lust and your rights. And thinking back on that makes you feel like it was half…

    It’s not, I repeat NOT that BDSM:ers sit on some holy grail, fuck no. Met some really fucked up people, who just hold on to a whip instead of information, knowledge and empathy, BUT there is as much of those in any other land, including swingers, fetishists, BDSM, etc.

    The fact that I through a sexual practice that I choose every single step of makes up for what has not been before. “Touch my clit”. “Hold me, just hold me” “Let go of me daddy”. ” Harder, just harder”. Or the fantastic negotiations. I’ve now ended up in especially one relationship where I feel I can adress almost everything and that made me more safe, more sure and a hell of a lot stronger. If that is because of the sex or the communication, hell knows.

    I also had crap vanillasessions, and also had crap BDSMsessions, yep. But I’ve learned what I needed to see out of them. In the end I’m still less sure about seeing people who are vanilla. Worst sex I had this year was vanilla, and that was because the partner could not communicate what so ever.
    Now: I try to choose to not go there anymore, but I’m only human. About the therapy and what kind of difficulties peeps can have regarding their thinking,

    I do the kind of sexual practices that I do because I love them. I love the feelings they give me, I love it because suddenly I learn what my body like, want’s, needs and hate. I love doing it with people who love it to. It also makes it possible for me to adress theese things and gain more and more power of my sexuality, with that knowledge.
    And, freely admit, loving the game and the play and the whole thing about pain. It is eroticised.
    I don’t mean that BDSM is better than vanilla, I mean that some of the things surrounding BDSM can help you with other aspects of your life.

    I take responsibility for me and whomever I play with, aware of the risks, make my best to make it safe and would never, ever cross the boundries of playmate/s.
    I’m also feeling a whole lot better now a days. Sleep better, drinking less, feel better when it comes to my body (both on the physical and relating to it mentally).
    So if it actually would be therapy, that I can choose, direct and also get support in, and something that makes me feel better, what’s wrong?!

    I’m not sicker than any another person trying to navigate in the sexual and mental forests. And if that means I’m really sick I have another thing I need to call me self and reclaim 🙂

    EDIT:

    Added some parts.

  • Thene

    I’m not sure how to talk to the abfab girl about this, since it is a bit well, it does make it sound like I’m with her just to get a new shot at being with a man

    That is kinda troubling…it’s always troubling to see queer defined as a negative, tbh. It’s not dating women because men are annoying, easy, stressful, icky, whatever. It’s dating women because women are stonking gorgeous, because t&a gets you hot and bothered, because vulvas are fucking amazing. I think you’re reaching towards that here, somehow.

  • Silia

    Thene: Yeah, I mean, seriously, the abfab is abfab. And makes my heart tingle and my knees go all wobbly. But in paralell on this I am going through a phace of insight in how much I really dislike men. I don’t want her to think that she is some sort of gender rebound, because she is isn’t. She is just.. well.. you know.. Ah.. *sighs*
    I think I need to write more about this.. 😛

    Ve: I’m still not entirely sure on how you mean. I think this calls for a discussion post. ^__^

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