Oh teh SAD.

So, I’m lying on the floor, tied up in a whatsitcalled, frogtie, hogtie, random ugly animal-tie, on my back anyhow. He is sitting on the floor saying things and I’m trying to look submissive and behave like I care. You know, like I give a shit about anything else then getting fucked. Like him. He is a bit cute.

“This is what you like, isn’t it, you damn slut. You are just begging for my cock, aren’t you, your masters cock”
And so on. I make some muffled contributes to the conversation, thanking god for the gag because there is no way in a burning hell I would be able to keep a straight face and say “yes, master, I’m your slut”.
But, Silia, aren’t you submissive, I thought you were, everyone I know who is into BDSM and knows you claims that you are?
Well. Here it is then: No, I’m not. I just like being fucked that way. I like playing that role, and I like using submissiveness as a surrogat for love, when I don’t have that to give. If I can’t give you my heart, here, take my body instead and I’m sorry for the inconvinience but the heart is closed for maintenance right now. Will be back shortly. In the meantime, feel free to fuck me senseless and call me a whore.

Because I know what you can’t have.

It’s power play. I give you the power over my body, and I excersise the power of knowing that I can make you drool and beg and nag and dream and think everyday about the possibility to get that power again. And we both know that the power I give away is not real. It’s just play. But the power I have over you is very real.

And I use my power. All I can.

Angelina Jolie

I can’t see anything holy about my body. I know I’m suppose to see it as some sort of temple, but frankly, I’d rather have sex.

I’m not submissive. I like pretending to be, but more then once in the context of dominant men or women I find my self more than a little offended that they think they have power over me. It’s a mix between Prove me wrong! and Get out of my face. I know I don’t like winning a fight, because my way of keeping control is to ensure the other part that they have control over me. I trick them. And when they indulge in excersizing their power, I grow cold. Because they are easy and I can manipulate them.

Do you remember the movie with Angelina Jolie, Girl, Interupted? She screams in the end of the movie something about Why isn’t anybody pushing my buttons? I know that feeling. Sometimes I’m standing in the center of a storm, pushing and pushing and pushing away everyone, but nobody pushes back. So I push a little further. This is not good practica in sex. Especially not when the other person is holding a whip. I think this might also be the reason that I almost punched a guy in the face. He just kept doing what he thought was ok, and I just kept letting him. Pushing him further away from me, making him smaller and smaller in my eyes, until all he was, was a drooling sexgraced idiot who was so distanced from me that I wanted to kick his ass. I didn’t. But I managed to get myself back to reality and stop it. I was about 30 cm from his face with my fist by then.

This is the sad post. I promise not to make them a habit. But sometimes I think it’s important to speak up about what drives different people into the whole BDSM scene. Even if we are all grown ups and SSC (argh argh, more about that later), many people both here and in vanilla land, are broken and looking for ways to fix themself. In general, I’d say, don’t do it my way. Try the happy go luck ignorant road abit to the right instead. So much more fun, even if I do get laid more often;).

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4 responses to “Oh teh SAD.

  • nakmuay

    Now that was quite possibly the coldest and most disturbing post on the topic of BDSM I have ever read. However, I can see what you’re talking about in the behaviour and feeling of a number of past lovers and feel that I understand both them and my relationship with them more clearly as a result. Plus it was beautifully written. Thankyou. x

  • the.ethical.hedonist

    Dearest Silia,

    I find this reply very difficult to write as I hate seeing someone hurting like this and yet feeling the need to put the boot in and say “WTF are you doing?” So please understand that this is not an attack but more a request to you to re-think your position…

    and I’m trying to look submissive and behave like I care. You know, like I give a shit about anything else then getting fucked.

    Why didn’t you tell him how you felt? (this question is rhetorical)
    Surely it’s disrespectful and counter-productive to set a person up to fail…?? Doms are not telepaths – in the event of limited response we try everything we can to get a handle on what’s going on in your head – you could always help both of us by saying “Stop! That’s not working…Look, I had this idea a while back, could we try something with this??”
    Two posts ago you lambasted PUAs as sad because they were just using people as objects; what are you doing here, other than using him as a ‘life support for a fuck’?

    I like using submissiveness as a surrogate for love

    Why didn’t you tell him how you felt? (this question is rhetorical too)
    I cannot for the life of me see how that is a good exchange – it’s like using gateaux as mortar…the house will be briefly appealing before it comes crashing down…

    And I use my power. All I can.

    As you said above, it is a game: Why are you making strategic real-life personal attacks on someone you’re supposed to be having fun with? If this isn’t fun, why are you both here?

    I’m not submissive. I like pretending to be, but more than once in the context of dominant men or women I find myself more than a little offended that they think they have power over me.

    When I was younger I liked to sit behind the wheel of a car and pretend I was driving – it was thrilling, but not when compared to ACTUALLY driving. My suggestion (and it is only a suggestion) is that you are not giving power to anyone – maybe D/s would work better if you did. IMHO if you don’t put in then you can’t win the pot…

    If they think they have power in real life, then put them in their place. If they do it again then don’t play with them, as they are clearly fuckwits…

    Also, ignore your friends – Domme and sub are just roles you choose (to a varying degree) for FUN, when you play…I thought we’d debunked ‘natural doms’ (and hence natural subs too) a few posts ago??

    As a point, for all you know, you could be a Femdom?!

    Sure, you’ve learned to make the sub role work for you (albeit partially) on different levels: What about the Domme role? Try it, Dommes can be worshipped and also loved and cuddled…

    Why isn’t anybody pushing my buttons?
    Because they aren’t available to be pushed…

    BDSM is like the fascinator that your gorgeous conquest wears when you first see them across the club – it’s that piece of something different and fascinating. Put it on a horse and you won’t get a great night in (I hope!!); put it on a wall and you won’t find love…

    I think you need to let some feelings heal with time…
    The only person who can fix you is you… (I have LOTS of experience in this field!)
    I think you need to form an actual liking and attachment to someone and then go from there…
    Talk to your friends about how you feel: they will not think less of you for showing your vulnerable side…
    Remember, you’re a great person; and if you’re not then change it QUICK before it fucks you!!!

  • Silia

    hedonist: Thanx for maybe the longest comment in blogging history:). It warms my heart.

    Im trying hard here not to answer your rethorical questions, and i’m just going to say like this instead:

    It’s very hard to control the way you think and act. Even when you do this sort of waaay too deep self analyzis and end up knowing your an idiot. Still, you can’t always change yourself immediatly, or at all.

    I’m making a fair try at being extremely honest about this here, partly because I do want to find out. I might be too honest, I’m not sure. It’s hard to know.

    As for your suggestion of giving real power away, I have to say that I find that idea extremely no-no. I’d fall completely. I’m the type of person who gets way way too attached to partners. I need to guard my independence. Giving away power would just make me into that sexcrazed drooling idiot. And we don’t want that, do we?

    On the subject of dommes. No thank you. I’ll explain in a later post ^_^.

  • the.ethical.hedonist

    Well in terms of idiots, that’s you, me and the rest of the world – I don’t know anyone who has all the answers; although curiously I know plenty who think they do! 🙂

    In terms of power exchange: It depends what you mean by power…If the person wants you to walk into traffic or moon your boss, then no…I mean more like give the other person control of your actions for a set period of time. If he’s good it’ll be fun: If she/he’s a cock, then you’ll safeword and leave…

    I tend to get really attached to partners too and indeed have had new girlfriends ask if I had ‘doormat’ written on my chest, when describing other relationships. You can feel stupid and used; but they’ll always be poor mean spirited individuals. Loads more people fall in love with me than them because I don’t isolate myself from the possibility of that harm; I love without condition, and if you lose my love then you’ve lost out BIG TIME! By the sound of it the same would go for you…

    As far as sexcrazed drooling idiot goes – yes, if we are a real person, then yes we do! And we’ll be able to handle it.

    I know of many instances where people can’t handle those of a higher sex drive: but if you were with someone who matched you; I think they’d find that very appealing!

    Looking forward to hearing your objections to Domming! 🙂

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