Okay. I must agree, it is kind of nice that the mother (my mum) is actually coming to visit, but it is also a stressfactor. School, daily life and everything in between makes my head go *bang* every once in a while. Took me until the third week in uni until the brain was protesting against the new regime of getting up early, structure the day and read plenty and plenty of text. J has probably been in the line of fire (literally!) a couple of times and I’ve found myself more than once wondering “Where the fuck did that panicattack come from?!”
I’m trying to be a good person, trying to be a social one, fun, and in the same time knowing I don’t need to try, I don’t need to fulfill anyones wishes except my own. Constructing that place in my head is proving more than difficult, and now, the almighty wonderful mother and father will visit for a weekend.
And I think I know Silia is going to be a questionmark now, but one of my solutions right before the last seminar, when it piled up, when anger and frustration (and a realisation of that I had not read the correct text) made the whole body tremble and tears ripping in the corner of the eye…well. The solution was to think about l last time I was mummified. Or one of the times I was mummified. Last time was on my birthday and that was the first time I broke myself out of something because I came so hard. The second time, well. Check this out.
Getting wrapped in that special mumificationtape (it does not stick no anything else but itself! Well, if you are sweaty it does a bit, but that is easily helped) is a journey that I can only describe as katharsic and total relaxation. I don’t about you, but most often when being in bondage I transform into some kind of Houdini, and the let-go part is not really there.
The wrapping, the tape that get tighter and tighter, travelling upwards on my body,closer and closer and higher. The focus of the mummifier, the anticipation in me, the one who get mummified. Once we switched, and the rush of all that work was immense. But WTF has that to do with me having a panic attack?
Well. Being wrapped up like this is relaxing. From the beginning I thought it was going to get me in to panic mode and nothing good would come out of it. It did not happen, I tried it because it sounded hot and I had someone who could and wanted to do it.
And I let go.Of. Everything.
All senses except vision was sharpened, but I could let them go if I wanted to. J lying beside, stroking and following molded curves that fitted perfectly. This is the body that I wear, encaged in black plastic tape. Heavier and heavier, floating and breathing. Breathing sometimes controled by J, sometimes woke up out of the haze by a sharp canestroke over my thighs or a light canetap on my breasts. A time in which I am concealed and away, hidden deep inside.
And then, of course, the joys of discovering the fact that vibration travels really well through the plastic. That a Hitachi one place is felt over the whole body.
Or the element of fear when being cut out. J describes it on his blog,
“How am I going to get you out of this stuff then?”
There was just enough tone in the voice to penetrate the floating and grab her attention…why that tone?
“How am I going to remove this plastic?”
Her heart rate rises now as she struggles for words – realisation is dawning as the tone becomes more purposeful…it is the carrier signal for a message of fear and stomach turning betrayal…
“I have one, here…” The villain of the peace is introduced in the arena of the mind…
My voice has taken on a pleading tone now…
“There is no other way for me to get cut) you out…” I joyfully, with an air of mock concern, appeal to the logic that only the knife can free her…all I need is her consent to use it…I leverage her consent.
I draw the edge of a leather paddle over her body as the fear is reaching fever pitch – I rip the tape from her eyes split seconds before she safewords…I show her the paddle and smile a loving smile.”
All these elements, associated with SM and Dominance are mere co-actors. The actions might be there, but here is something that don’t need all the other things in order for it to work. I could happily lie wrapped up every once in a while, waiting or just floating. And that was what I started to think about today, shaking with frustration and anger.
So much for stress management 🙂
P.S Another very interesting account on mummification can be read here