On a lighter subject

Hi again everyone! I know I haven’t written in a long time, but I guessed you’d let me come back anyway. I know you are all kind and nice, aren’t you?

So many things has happened, mostly, I’ve moved and started a new job and sort of started a new life, just temporarily. It’s nice. The weirdest thing is that at the same time I really really tried to extract myself from the BDSM-scene, and started dating people who smelled vanilla, and ended up here. Where? In a undefined sexual and emotional relationship with a defined male person who most definitly isn’t vanilla. He pretended to be at first, but that was just because he thought I was. Turns out he is a complete beginner when it comes to the tastier types of sexayh and I’m suddenly the teacher. Me?

This gives rise to a set of problems. First: None of us is the latex/pvc/red and black corsettes and heels-types, none of us likes the BDSM-scene. It makes it really hard to introduce BDSM-terms, like safewords and safespaces and whatnots. Suddenly they are accutely needed, and I’m trying my hardest to show and tell him the hows and whys’ (mind the organ belt, honey, and so on) without making it sound like some macramé-workshop for singles in their late 50’s. Since none of us wants to be part of the BDSM-world, it’s hard to introduce him to instructive websites or litterature. It would just feel silly. He would just be turned off.

I’ve managed to install safewords though, only problem is that I probably need to change them, I opt for pause and cut, because I never normally use those, but to him, those words still makes him want to push. With other words, we need a non-sexy word. Like macramé or whatever. But the further away from sex we get wordvice, the harder for me to say.

Second problem: He is extremely strong. This is incredibly hot, off course, but, it’s also seriously dangerous. He is a beginner and doesn’t know the limits of my body (neither do I for that), and since he is a lot stronger than me, if I’d actually need to make him physically stop, I can’t. I can’t just punch him in the face and shove him off me. I’m scared it’ll get out of hand and he will harm me by mistake.

Third problem: How do I explain the concept of afterglow? That afterwards, if the sex has been very intense, I need to be reassured for a while? Without sounding like a demanding idiot?

Yeah, lot’s of problems there.

The interesting part about it is that dealing with a newbie gives me insight in an unpoluted mind, and trust me, he comes up with the good stuff, and this without ever watching any porn or having surfed around the internet for BDSM-stuff. I’m really curious where this will lead.

All I need now, is a way of talking about the sex we have, without making it sound like the sex we actually have. Any ideas?


5 responses to “On a lighter subject

  • Bondageromance


    There is a book in Swedish from the early 80s about sex which is quite good, though sometimes a bit amusing (the drawings all show VERY furry women and men)… Allt om kärlekens nöjen. That one can be used as a kind of soft introduction to BDSM. And… Well, if he is strong I happen to remember that there are some very interesting positions for strong men and a woman in their section about that. ;o)


    Otherwise I think there is no alternative but to introduce him to what one can find on the web. There are many sites internationally that are not so “extreme”.

    But the best would be to make him speak to others. I can hear that some of the things you are facing We all need to share experiences with others. No man and woman is an island…

    Take care!


    • similarities

      Thanx for teh book tip! The talking to others-part is probably the hard one there, but I’m gonna try nudge him in that direction:).

  • Alva

    I’ve been through that… Or a version of it. What we did might not be right for you, but hey, perhaps it will help in some small way.

    This man looks extremely vanilla, and for a long time, he thought that he was. He’s a feminist, and couldn’t really cope with why he always seemed to prefer the roughest of “mainstream” porn, or why he so enjoyed to be with women who was more passive sexually, letting him roam free and do whatever he wanted, a behaviour he found most unfulfilling and boring once they left the bedroom. Then he met me. I’m not a shy flower, not small or easy to handle physically, and sure as hell not sexually passive.

    I am a former latex-and-leather-slut who grew tired with the scene. I don’t mind it, but I don’t feel a part of it anymore, and the BDSM I prefer has nothing to do with dungeons and gimp-suits. I want it rough, brutal and beastly if I’m the submissive one with a male parter, and if you want him to behave like fired-up, egoistic animal, there is very little room for safe, sane and consensual.

    So, what to do? He didn’t even want to call what we did BDSM until I had smacked into his head that _all_ consensual sex on unequal terms are BDSM. Well, we started to boil it down, together. He was the novice, I was the teacher and we went through every little piece of security strategies we could find, and talked about what we needed and what we could safely discard. Finally we agreed that safewords were a must, and if we didn’t trust the other part to use and/or respect the safeword, then we probably should stop having sex altogether until that trust was rebuilt again.

    We go by the classical red and yellow (in swedish, yellow is a bit easier to say than, for example, pink), and they work partly because they are so connected with what I call mainstream BDSM. They don’t turn him on, and they remind him that what he is doing is a play and nothing more, it snaps him back to reality. If he has me gagged by something (well, mostly cock) he knows that he has to be careful and focus on my reactions. We decided we didn’t want a hand-sign, and the price for him in that regard is to keep himself in total control when I can’t say my safeword for one reason or the other.

    One idea that I used to give him more input on my part in the play, was to ask him to read some good, bottom-perspective porn, and when I couldn’t find it, I wrote it myself. It made for a lot of fun discussions, as well as some very rewarding nights of writing.

    As for the concept of afterglow… If he has got a reasonably healthy mind, he’ll probably understand quite well why you need to be emotionally brought back to reality again after a rough session. I believe that there should be sharp transitions between off-game and in-game, if you don’t want the unequal terms to imbue the rest of the relationship aswell, outside of the sexual arena. If you explain this, and he doesn’t get it or thinks that it’s stupid or needy, then he isn’t suited to be even tampering in BDSM. (I’m a bit hard on this subject since I generally want to shoot a whole cadre of male doms…)

    I really enjoyed your post, hope you found something helpful in this long and early-morning-coffe-imbued comment. 🙂


    • Ve

      Alva, that was such a good read, thank you for the comment. I know it was Silias post being commented upon, but it’s all those comments like yours that makes me want to write more.



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