This whole sub-thing, I’m doing it wrong

Ok, people, a question for you:

How the heck do you ever manage?

I find myself constantly mixing up my roles and getting even more confused. So please, pretty pretty readers, tell me how you do to separate that subby little person inside of you with the one who is supposed to have a normal functioning relationship.
I know that if it wasn’t for the fact that I’m intelligent (enough intelligent, at least) and can see through myself (a bit) I’d end up in an abusive relationship where I’d just succumb to this deep desire to just you know, be punished for being me. Since according to me, I’m always wrong. And probably needs to be punished. Possibly killed.

To be sexually submissive (switchy, really, but mostly submissive) and combine that with a mind that constantly tells me that I’m horrible, is not the best of ideas.

I really just want to tell the hugfriend “Take away my rights, control everything, and please hurt me a lot.”. I’m not doing that though, because I’m not a teenager and I do understand that I’d only get even more fucked up in the process. Please note that I’m not a painslut, so I would more suffer than enjoy myself anyhow most of the time.

Can anyone else reckognize themselves in this? I’m aiming for the overkill while writing this, but you know, the general feeling.

I mean, how normal is it to oh-gazm while thinking of your hugfriend drowning you, because you accidentically woke him up by calling to early. (The calling did happen in real life, and popped up in my mind while working my way towards the Oh.)

I know normal might not be a concept we really aim for here, but I’d say even a very liberal therapist would think that’s over the line.

So how do you do it people? How do you keep yourself sane and functional, without turning into a complete doormat, when the option is within reach?

(Ok, hugfriend would never let me go doormat on him, but if I’d lowered my standards far enough, I’m sure there’s plenty of middle aged men with redeveloped babyfat that would just love to assist me on my road to doom.)

If I'm gonna be a doormat, this is the doormat I want to be.

//Silia

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3 responses to “This whole sub-thing, I’m doing it wrong

  • Jempa

    I do recognise myself in what you write about and I LOVE the doormat! I struggle with the wish to be humiliated and I question my motives as to why I want it so badly. I’m also on the verge of being a doormat sometimes and I keep constant vigilance to at least be aware of it, so that I don’t just do it by default. And I’m certainly not like that with anybody, it’s just some people that have that effect on me.

  • Ve

    Wow. I so recognize this too. I remember standing at my second play party and being so frigging nervous and scared, because how the fuck ‘should’ one behave? What does it mean to submit to someone and how does it actually reflect on one’s behaviour? Or does it even do that?
    I did not know and I had no idea. Just that I was driven by an immense curiosity and felt safe with the person and was also trusting myself on some level. And that is where your question comes in. How to trust oneself? I dunno…
    There is many things you can do, but none of them if you don’t feel good about them, if you don’t go all smiles the days after they have happened.

    But first of all. Those things that you crave, when and during what scope of time do you wanna do them? I avoid playing in some ways when I’m stressed, just because it would not be pleasurable.
    And it’s not until now, more than a year later, we have been starting to taking our first steps into extended power exchange sessions.

    One fantasy can be just that, or go on to becoming a reality, but guard that reality together with your partner. How ever the coin is turned, make sure that you have enough support from hugfriend/s and if you feel uncertain do something else. And talk. There is no rules on when, except for maybe when you are spaced out because of play and just go ‘hubbbhldhjhkfj’ . I speak swedish when I’ve just come or have played hard.

    Feels crap to give these kinds of advice, because I know that they aren’t much. But, as you already know, there is no nr 1 formulae.
    In the end, I leaped. And tried to forget ‘how to be a (good) submissive’.
    How I feel, is that I direct my attention. Directing it towards the one/s I submit to. Standing infront of someone and feeling complete trust. Handing the control over, but still being able to be a subjective object. There is no way I can tell how that came to be, not on a practical level, sorry 😦

  • bobette

    I don’t hate myself, quite the contrary, and i’m successful enough and can acheive, but i do want to be degraded and humiliated so much…dreaming about it, fantasising about it, doing it. Luckily i have good safe friends i can play with, but pushing boundaries gets addictive and it has got me into trouble before and the sane rational part of me doesn’t want to get into trouble again; but the submissive part still does….

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