Yesterday, I fell asleep. This isn’t abnormal or strange in anyway. But it’s how the story starts.
I fell asleep at the bed, still fully dressed, quite early last night, and my lover was sitting in the sofa doing things. After a while I woke up from him coming over to me and thinking that sex might be a good idea. Normally, I find the whole wake-up-and-fcuk scenario quite sexy, but this time I completely panicked. Witch is a rather strange and complicated process when “no, no, NO, fuck, NO, DON’T” normally means “yes”. Use the safe words! I can hear you scream in unison. But srsly, how easy are they to remember when you just dragged yourself out of sleepy land? I kept falling asleep again, waking up and panicking, falling asleep, waking up, falling, waking, falling. Everytime I couldn’t keep my eyes open I was scared witless that he would do something without knowing I didn’t want it while I didn’t have 100% focus.
Because it is my responsibility. I can’t just tell him “here ya go, kid-o, take the power over me and do nasty stuff all you like” and then expect him to know when to stop. How is he magically suppose to know that this time it might feel like rape, when I liked it yesterday? How could I ever blame him if it went wrong, when it’s such a messy safe space for signalling right or wrong? Especially since he isn’t used to this. And I would never forgive myself if i’d let him hurt me unknowingly.
Sex opens up for a whole range of emotions, and both parties always has the responsibilty to make clear how they feel about it. I can’t leave it all up to him, and he can’t leave it all up to me. Just as much as we both need to listen. I know it’s a cliché, but it became so extremely clear to me yesterday while I panicked. It was the first time that happened to me. And, not so strange that it happened either, first of all I was asleep, but also, earlier while we were having sex and we were switching position it started to hurt in a bad way and we had to quit. The fear of sudden pain was still in the back of my mind. That combined with his way of talking, witch is normally teh sexay, lapsed me into defensive mode. I’m just glad he understood that something was wrong.
Of course it didn’t just end with hugging and talking. No, we had to have a huge row about feminism afterwards, ending up with me being wrong and a complete asswhole and him being right. Confusing? No shit. How handle that? What started out with me being more scared then I’ve been in years, ended with me being utterly stupid.
And now, it’s a new day, and I’m going back home to the north, and I can’t even find it in me to get turned on. At all. I’m utterly not up for it, today. Understandable, yes, but ok? No. And here comes the next question. Is it ok to have sex for the social value of it, or is that doing him wrong? Would I make this even more messy if I decided to have sex anyway, ignoring my lack of lust, after this crash thing? How do you people handle your crashes?
And don’t start saying that “you should never have sex unless you feel horny enough”, because that’s complete bull. You don’t always have to be horny and all in to have sex. I’m betting most of you have had sex because your partner was up for it and you just wanted to be nice. After a while the body gets going anyway.