Tag Archives: polyamory

Coming out kink

So, how many of you readers have fully disclosed your life for your friends and family? What have you disclosed? Is there anything that you feel you don’t have to tell? I’m sure there is, because I myself is struggling with the whole concept. I am as out as I can be in regards to me being queer, I am open about girlfriends and boyfriends as well as being open about my non-monogamy. But when it comes to kink, I am not out. I don’t know if I want to really. As much as my sexual practices are important to me, they are that. They are practices which are a part of me now, but they are not written with non-removable ink on my body, and might very well change. Believe it or not, I’ve been asexual as well.
I suppose I would not want to question my father on if he likes blowjobs or not, or ask my mother about what kind of bodies she find being the hottest (I would assume my father is not really on that list). I respect their privacy, and would assume mine would be respected in the same way. Except that it is not.
A couple of months ago, some smart-ass (well-meaning?) sent a gift to me anonymously. To my address in Sweden, an address that the person sending the gift must have known my full name in order to do. The thing is, I don’t live in Sweden, so I changed my Swedish address to the address of my parents. Everyone who knows me well enough to know my full name also know this. In any case, I received this gift and I’m not going to disclose what it was, except that it gave away pretty much everything, including words like ‘kink’ and ‘vanilla’. In the end, I blamed everything on a art-project for university (you can always blame art for anything, it is brilliant!) but still had to navigate questions at the X-mas table. Lots of fun, and even if I know laugh about it (and I sold the gift) it was also scary at the time.

My mother told me recently that another packet had arrived. And I keep on debating if I should just come clean. The thing is, I don’t feel guilty. I don’t believe I am guilty and I don’t believe that I am obliged to come out to any one against my will. It would be different if I would be a high-ranking politician building my career on discriminating against sexual minorities while still being in the closet. But I am not. I don’t have that privilege and for the record, if I would I would use it in a better way than via discrimination.

But the real reason for this post is not my story, it is this story. A letter together with applications for law schools was sent. The letter stated:

To come out fully, in my case, requires three separate disclosures, each as potentially confusing and alienating as the last. I share them now for reasons that are political as well as personal: I am pansexual. When I say this I mean that I seek physical and emotional partnerships with people of all genders, including men, women, and transgender individuals. I am polyamorous. By this I mean that I see monogamy as one among many stable ways in which people are capable of forming romantic and familial bonds. I mean also that I find joy in my partners’ joy, including when that joy comes through companions and lovers other than myself. Lastly, I am a member of the BDSM community. When I say this I mean that I find fulfillment in consensual relationships and sensations that are not always soft and fuzzy, but can indeed be painful and challenging. Taken together, these three facts mean that I have found love and fulfillment in a wide spectrum of relationships and with a variety of people, and that this diversity of partners figures importantly into my identity.

They mean also that I inhabit a small, overlapping sliver of three poorly understood, largely invisible, and utterly unprotected sexual minorities. I am acutely aware that to share these details about myself represents a risk both personal and professional, and in some cases legal. But one reason I have chosen to out myself is to help legitimize my identity, and the identities of those I care about. It is my great hope that taking this risk openly and often will yield benefits both for me and for all those minorities who seek public recognition.

I am an activist, but I am no partisan, no bloodthirsty separatist. Instead of engaging intolerance and divisiveness, I have invested my energy in positively increasing the visibility of diverse sexual identities and normalizing the discussion of sexuality in my immediate environment. This is why I co-founded the Male Sexuality Workshop at Brown University, and for three years took the lead role in designing its curriculum and organizing its activities, affecting more than two hundred and fifty alumni of the program. It is also why I wrote a weekly sex advice and sexuality column for Brown’s student newspaper, why I currently work at Planned Parenthood, and why I have volunteered with the Boston chapter of the National Organization for Men Against Sexism over the past year. Most importantly, it is why I am applying to law school.

The communities I hope to support are at best underserved, at worst the victims of fierce and unchallenged discrimination. How best to contribute to their advancement, whether through labor or constitutional law, family or criminal law, is not crystal clear, and I will allow exposure and passion to guide as I move further into my career. But the larger society can and will come to a better understanding of the diversity of sexuality and gender expression it contains, and in the slow crawl toward that understanding, the first and most profoundly personal step I can take is to state unabashedly who I am: to come out.

Read the full story, it is very well worth it, and I can’t really describe how warm and fuzzy I felt inside after I had read it all.
He was admitted to Law School and I hope he will be one more of the kink-friendly professionals that are so very well needed.


Intro-fucking-duction

Silia:
We figured we should introduce you to this blog by writing a discussion about, well, everything. Ve and I talked about doing a blog since we are so abfab and have so much to say (she didn’t really put it that way, but close enough).

I’ll just start by introducing myself: I’m 25, sizzling hot and blond. Also I have a brain. This seems to be thought of as a fairly unusuall combination, but being swedish I know that I’m not the only one (Ve is a good example of another sizzling hot brainy girl even though she doesn’t live in Sweden). I’m a feminist, quite queer and also usually desperate enough to sleep with anything that moves, and if it doesn’t I poke it ’till it does.. No, seriously, a big part of my feminism is about sexuality and my right to my body, my right to not see my body as something holy, but more of a playground. It’s mine, and I do whatever I like with it thank you very much.  Things that makes me want to go rampage with a gun is men that assume that just because I do like sex, I’d like to have it with them. The answer is No. Everytime. No, I’ll say it again. No.
I’m a writer, a poet and a lost cause. I’m sexually submissive (sometimes), but I have an issue with the dresscode of the bdsm world. I’m the enfant terrible of basically everything, and I love every minute of my tirades.

Ve:

Silia, partner in crime, sourze of both inspiration, headscratching and laughter, and as close to me as a sister. From the first time we met she has taken her responsibility to deprave me as much as possible but also fuelled many a heated discussions. I can’t remember a single time where we haven’t talked about something that revolves around sexual politics, relationships, feminism and the nasty acts themselves. And now, we will bring out that on the internet, you lucky bastards!
Silia prepared me well, if anything could’ve prepared me for what was waiting in capital of The Stiff Upper Lip (London that is). There, it all escalated.

Coming out on the fetish scene, meeting fellow pervs, dancing a lot, playing and coming hard (oh yes, I love used-up clichès) and during the days work in the best sexshop in the whole world sparked the fire
that was already lit.
22 y.o and stubborn as hell.

I am also one of those who calls themselves a poet and other labels that I might pick from the bowl to label myself with is queer feminist, relationship anarchist, switch and whatever floats my boat that day.

Yesh, Silia, it feels like I could agree with most of the things you already written, but still, am quite sure that you and I will write from completely different angles.
Let’s start this show!

Silia:
Yeah, thing is, even though we do agree on a lot of things, we have one huge thing that differs us. You enjoy the bdsm-scene, I cry tears of blood just thinking of it. It’s like admitting a disease: I can’t stand red and black together and have a really really hard time seeing the point of Latex, leather of pvc. You see? It’s impossible. I finally find the type of depraved sex I want, and then: They all dress like some sort of half goths from the 90’s!

Ve:

Oh, forgot to mention: Silia is the better one on sarcasm, irony and general bashing. Itry too keep up, not there yet. Love her for it, but fact is, I do l look awesome in my red and black latexdress!
In other words, I got my kinks, that involve corsets, rubber aswell as the whole idea about power exchange, surrounding bondage, sadomasochism, submission and dominance.

Back to the subject. I think I was lucky, was coming from a smaller swedish town and then going to London. There’s a world inbetween, and the world is spelled diversity and openness. And better opportunities to dress in what can only be described as Very Hot Clothes That Makes My Heart Pound and lower regions overflow.
I would probably don’t be where I am now if I stayed in Sweden.  I am all for change, diversity and open minds and that’s why you, dear reader, will hopefully join on both of our journeys, where mine will maybe be more about all the wonderfully nasty things  that wonderfully people do to me or I do to them.

So, favourite slut of all time, when are you coming to London and start humping the beautiful people? I can find someone without latexgear…

Silia:
When the beautiful people of UK starts developing a gene that allows them to have a chin.. Nah, I believe you Ve on the fact that people dress better overthere, i do at least dearly hope so because I just can’t take one more overweight man in leather trousers with a tendency to call me whore and think I’ll melt into a puddle of submission just by him being. Not being infact anything, just being.
There’s another thing that differ us quite clearly, Ve loves it, lives it and enjoys almost every minute of it (I just assume that even she has bad days, superwoman has to have bad hair days aswell, ey?), for her it is well, a way of living. For me it’s just a rather annoying part of my personality. If I could, i’d chop that part right off and feed it to the dogs (my neighbour has a rottweiler, she can have it). Sometimes I admit that I wish I was more like her in this aspect, but I don’t seem to have it in me. Instead I go complete happy happy joy joy when I dance instead. A fairly more socially acceptable hobby. “So what do you do in your spare time?” “I ask people to spank my ass and call me charlie” vs “I go dancing”. Ha, who wins? (She is still the one having the most fun I think, and definitly her clitoris has.)

That not saying my clitoris is ignored and locked into a cupboard somewhere. (Ve comments: It certainly isn’t.. and raises an eyebrow) It gets out and about from time to time, we go for walkies now and then.. The truth is, I’m a goddamn slut. I am, and I am also goddamn proud of it. So many of my friends feel anxiety after a crappy shag, all I feel is “ah, what the hell, i’ll make it up with someone else tonight”. I’m glad that I mysteriously escaped the whole business of being ashamed of my somewhat strong sexuality.  I’m a relationship anarchist, and most of the time I keep about three sexual relationships going paralell, plus whatever sex that happens when I’m drunk. I’m also in about 2-4 emotional relationships in paralell, sexual or non sexual. Yes, my schedule is pretty packed. But it’s fun and it works for me, which in the end is the only thing that matters.

As Ve said, she will probably be the one delivering the pr0n, while i´ll be ranting about the natural doms that are spread over sweden like some damn plauge of locusts… It’s not because she’s getting more of the sexy stuff, it’s just that i’m so just to getting it (i’m not serious ok? Thats a joke, laugh now.). I’ll probably write about sexual experiences to, but my approach will probably be more problem based. See it as a form of intellectual pr0n. One thing I promise I will write about though is when I try messy the first time, because i’ll be such a happy little gal after that, that nothing can stop me:D.

But Ve, I know you have The Wanky Men ™ in La Londre, but are you really completely free from the natural doms? In that case, I’m already packing my bags..

Ve:

Oh, I wish. There is The Wanky Men™ and something else. The Dribbling Wet Subs. I am not talking about the dribbling that can come from really hot play session nor about Wet, I am talking about men who honestly think every dominant woman, or domme, is having an urge to play with them. It’s the whole thing over and over again, womens sexuality is still not seen as her own. La Londre is not free from this, certainly not, and therefor I will not only provide the pr0n, but also do my best to make sure to feed you with the flaming political rants aswell.  I am a huge fan of sex ed, safe sex and sexpositive attitudes and spaces and not afraid not express that. Happily I will try to give as much as I can, listen to you readers about your experiences and point out other awesome texts on internet, cause it’s a win-win situation.

(Silia:
Yeah, sorry, i forgot: I too want to read about our readers experiences, it’s just that my image doesn’t really allow that sort of positive outbursts in terms of two way communication, I’m more of a monologue-ish person… 😉 )

With more facts and knowledge and access to that, the more power you have in your own life, in whatever kind of situations you end up in and whatever kind of choices you wan’t to make.
+ it could not be better; the perversities and politics from both Sweden AND U.K delieveried by two sizzling hot (can’t repeat that to many times) blondes that just want more. And more. And more.

Ready world?
Here we are!

Silia and Ve