Tag Archives: Relationship anarchy/nonmonogamy


Hi, my name is silia and I’m trying to give up men.

This sounds a bit silly I know, but there is a good reason. I’ve completely lost respect for the opposite sex. Why? Because they are simple and easy and just generally bleh. I figured if I quit having emotional relationships or continious sexual relationships (MTONS, More Than One Night Stands) with them I might be able to get myself into liking them again, at least liking them as people.

This is really the backside of my life, I’ve started objectifying men. I see them as tools, cathegorized as Sex or Not sex, depending on fuckability rating. And I don’t want to be like that.

I had a poetry reading yesterday at a café, I talked a bit about the fact that i still have sex with men, not because i like them or that they in any way turn me on, but just because they are so easy. It got a ragged cheer.
I’m not sure how to talk to the abfab girl about this, since it is a bit well, it does make it sound like I’m with her just to get a new shot at being with a man. It’s not like that in any way, it’s two separate things, but I can see things getting misinterpretated. It is quite hard and interesting trying to form some sort of emotional relationship that is both queer and steps away from mono-norms and even poly-norms in a way. I still need to figure out if I want to go against to poly-norm and opt for complete relationship anarchism. It would be nice but I actually like labels sometimes. I want to be able at some point to say “this is my girlfriend”. (Not yet, but at some point in the future, ok?) Just for the sake of the thing, maybe just because I want proof that this is something more. More than what? Because now we are back in the same thing again, I want to value somethings more than others and it is wrong wrong wrong.

The whole point is that friends and lovers should be alike. But its hard. I, like everyone else, wants to know that I’m special. Unique. The one she prefers infront of others. Thats just shit. I should just be happy that I have her from time to time. But being human is to be greedy and I just want more.

Ve wrote a bit about Vanilla earlier and I gotta comment.. She wrote:
And to be really honest. I would probably not coming out on this kind of scene if I hadn’t moved to London. I would probably still be lingering in vanilla land where every touch is half of what it can be, where every soft kiss is a understated bite in the neck. I will freely admit that I do vanilla, that I am tactile and caring, cause some vanillas out there seem to think something else.”

Where every touch is half of what it can be. And here I am and really really want to call Ve in London and scream that Curse you its damn well not half! Because it isnt.
If there is something BDSM-people has to learn, it’s the fact that they haven’t found the holy grail of sex, they’re not better lovers and they are not above the vanillas. They are just different. And also possibly a little bit fucked up. I should know, I am one. I mean, what is more ok, to get turned on by someone caressing your neck, or someone trying to suffocate you? I like them both equally, but I am very well aware of which one is socially acceptable, and also WHY the other one isn’t as ok.
Vanilla sex is not half of BDSM-sex, it is just as much and just as good. That cat’o’nine is not magic and does not turn you into superlover deluxe.

I had great vanilla sex, I had crap vanilla sex. I had boring sessions being hogtied, and I had scary sessions and good ones. But the bad vanilla sex never once got as bad as the scary sessions. (If we for the sake of the argument exclude rape, because the session wasn’t rape.) I mean, bad vanilla is more of the sort “Oh no, ouch, not there, my god i can’t even feel him any more” and so on. A bad session? That was more of a “ok, I’m panicking, can’t talk and he doesnt listen for FUCK SAKE I’ll fucking kill him soon get me the FUCK out of here.”. I’ve never tried to punch someone in the face during vanilla.