I’m sorry. I’ll say it now in the beginning of the post so you know it. I’m terribly sorry. I have the most horrendous autumn depression, and have been battling demons for a couple of weeks. Hopefully the worst is now over. So, tada. I’m back.
So that you don’t loose confidence in me completely I’m gonna make a very short explanation about the depression. I’m sensitive to hormonal changes. Many people are. I had a great childhood, wasn’t even bullied that bad, everything has been abfab the whole time, but I still get depressed. And I get panic attacks, and I fall apart. I try (oh god I do try) to not do it in public, so then I have to lock myself in for a couple of weeks. So, don’t feel sorry for me and please do not start thinking I’m one of the sexually-abused-selfdestructive-now-gone-bdsm girls. Selfdestructive possibly. But no, no horrible abuse, nothing. Just sensitive. Thanks a bunch. Lets get on with this then bois and girlies.
Everytime I surf kink-communities it breaks my heart. Is this the people that will, for the rest of my life, try to sex me up? Am I stuck with these wallmart/jysk/coop/equivalent supermarket with clothes/furniture/food for people without taste/tastebuds-type of people? Is this it? Goddamnit! And when I think those thoughts, my sexuality dies a bit.
I’m shallow. I’m extremely horrible, bad and shallow. Why? Because I actually want to be turned on by the looks of the person who is shagging me. I feel it is degrading when some ugly* horrible flabby man/woman stands there with bad teeth and halitosis and ties me up and you know, fucks me.
It could definitely be a kink, this whole shagging-the-uglies. But I prefer to give power to some one who deserves it, both intellectually and physically. Else, it’s even more a play, it becomes horrible obvious that I’m all pretend. I don’t want that. I don’t want to feel disgust.
Yes, disgust. That is what I feel. I’m sorry, again, but I feel disgusted by these no-taste-no-brain people, especially when they start talking about SSC and alike. I feel so detached when someone I wouldn’t touch even if i got paid a million for it starts talking about safety precautions. In my world they wouldn’t ever need any safety precautions because they would never have any use for them.
Or, lets rephrase that. I don’t like when they start talking to me about sex and assume that the safety discussion is necessary come miracle and we would have sex. Read my lips: It wont happen. It seems like kink has become the safecard to pull for the uglies to get laid with the goodies. Instead of, for example, learn how to dress and talk, think, walk, behave and so on. “I look like crap and I haven’t bought new jeans (or my god, leather trousers) since 1995, but hey, I’m really good at shibari”. Look at my face: Does it in any way indicate sexual interest? Hey, you can even feel my panties if you want to. It doesn’t get drier. Welcome to desert land.
Or why not, here is a favourite, ugly people telling me they demand this and this and that of me. “You are a submissive, and to earn my domination you have to be willing to submit like this and this”. Thats interesting, now please go away. It’s annoying when anyone does that, but it’s even more annoying when it’s a damn ugly nobody who does it. Somewhere in the evil depths of my mind lurks the sentence “shut up, you should be grateful I’m even reading this”.
I need to respect the person I have sex with. I need to know that when we finished shagging, slapping and tying eachother to the bed, I’m gonna be able to have an interesting conversation with this person. I need to know that if I crash this person will pick me up, not pat me on the shoulder and go: Oh, SSC.
Yes, I’m playing connect the dots here. Ugly, tasteless person with no sence of social skills (because, if they had, they wouldn’t dress so damn bad) is not someone I think would suddenly turn into a person that actually knows how to pick me up. Yes, yes, please do bash me. Thats ok, this’s a rant after all.
Look at it this way: Someone who has a completely different lifestyle then you, do you think that person is fit to be your playpartner? Stop being politically correct: Do you seriously think that someone who is so far away from you as can be, would be able to understand you? No. Well, I work with design and spend my days discussing social structures. I write and I photograph. Do you seriously think that a person who spend their time working with trends would be able to get something out of someone who is blind when it comes to the same area?
Oh well. I guess I’ll have to go back to the vanilla pond.
*Ugly here means “with nothing interesting, not looks, not personality, nothing”. Ugly = not in any way attractive. Don’t pretend you are jesus, you have seen people like that too. Admit it, you don’t want to sleep with them.