Tag Archives: silia

On a lighter subject

Hi again everyone! I know I haven’t written in a long time, but I guessed you’d let me come back anyway. I know you are all kind and nice, aren’t you?

So many things has happened, mostly, I’ve moved and started a new job and sort of started a new life, just temporarily. It’s nice. The weirdest thing is that at the same time I really really tried to extract myself from the BDSM-scene, and started dating people who smelled vanilla, and ended up here. Where? In a undefined sexual and emotional relationship with a defined male person who most definitly isn’t vanilla. He pretended to be at first, but that was just because he thought I was. Turns out he is a complete beginner when it comes to the tastier types of sexayh and I’m suddenly the teacher. Me?

This gives rise to a set of problems. First: None of us is the latex/pvc/red and black corsettes and heels-types, none of us likes the BDSM-scene. It makes it really hard to introduce BDSM-terms, like safewords and safespaces and whatnots. Suddenly they are accutely needed, and I’m trying my hardest to show and tell him the hows and whys’ (mind the organ belt, honey, and so on) without making it sound like some macramé-workshop for singles in their late 50′s. Since none of us wants to be part of the BDSM-world, it’s hard to introduce him to instructive websites or litterature. It would just feel silly. He would just be turned off.

I’ve managed to install safewords though, only problem is that I probably need to change them, I opt for pause and cut, because I never normally use those, but to him, those words still makes him want to push. With other words, we need a non-sexy word. Like macramé or whatever. But the further away from sex we get wordvice, the harder for me to say.

Second problem: He is extremely strong. This is incredibly hot, off course, but, it’s also seriously dangerous. He is a beginner and doesn’t know the limits of my body (neither do I for that), and since he is a lot stronger than me, if I’d actually need to make him physically stop, I can’t. I can’t just punch him in the face and shove him off me. I’m scared it’ll get out of hand and he will harm me by mistake.

Third problem: How do I explain the concept of afterglow? That afterwards, if the sex has been very intense, I need to be reassured for a while? Without sounding like a demanding idiot?

Yeah, lot’s of problems there.

The interesting part about it is that dealing with a newbie gives me insight in an unpoluted mind, and trust me, he comes up with the good stuff, and this without ever watching any porn or having surfed around the internet for BDSM-stuff. I’m really curious where this will lead.

All I need now, is a way of talking about the sex we have, without making it sound like the sex we actually have. Any ideas?


The female Oh-gasm

Hi, I know, Sorry, haven’t written for a while. I sort of started another blog that isn’t as secret as this one and sort of started writing there instead. Mostly about religion.

But right now I’m listening to a documentary about the female orgasm, and I felt like making a short contribution.

It’s interesting, because even if we are sort of equal now, and even though everybody knows that the female orgasm exists, people still seem to think that the female orgasm is harder to achieve than the male. This isn’t true. At all. It takes about four minutes for a female to reach orgasm when DIYing, it’s the same amount of time it takes for a male. What makes the female orgasm harder to reach, more elusive and all that BS, is that we have constructed our sex around the male perspective. The focus is still on vaginal penetration, one of the hardest ways to reach orgasm, if not assisted by clitoral stimulation (bar blow jobs, but you know what I mean.).

I know I’m one of those who have a really hard time to reach orgasm during sex with another person. Autoerotically, I get annoyed if I only get one, and usually get three. Yes, I do multiples on my own. But with another person involved, I can’t. This has nothing to do with inability physically. It’s all in my brain. It’s probably about techniques, but the mind is in the way for even getting that far. I know everything about everything that is to know about sex, but I cannot relax. Not that far. No. This is seriously sad.

I know one reason for this: I seldom take my time to actually get horny before I have sex. I have a hard time taking control over my own sexlife, I don’t want to be the driving force. This combined with all these heaps of men who actually don’t care about your orgasm, especially not if they have theirs first. I did have some great sex last weekend, with a guy who took the time to kiss me enough to make my knees weak. That worked. I didn’t orgasm, but I was closer then usual. I think that this guy might make me relax enough to let me actually explore, get horny, and have that damn orgasm.

I admire and envy all you who just orgasm away just like that, who can be that confident. I can’t. But give me a couple of years and I’ll join you. :)

I’ll be back in a week, I need to rant about the hymen myth aswell.


epic fail lesbianism

This one goes out to the danish guy who threatened me to show the blog to people if I don’t write something. Yes yes, I know him in real life. You know, the world out there.

Much have happened since I actually wrote something here, and that is off course also the reason that I haven’t written for a while. First thing that happened is that I have now officially decided to flee the BDSM-scene. Why? Because there are just too many arrogant wankers around. I can’t stand it anymore. I admit it: I’d rather have half assed vanilla sex with someone who asks if it hurts when I moan, then I ever have sex with any of the men I’ve talked to inside the bdsm-scene. (99.8% because of said wankyness, and 0.2% because we are friends and it would feel weird. This paranteses is a disclaimer)

There is off course nothing wrong about being an utter disgrace for the human race and act like a complete fucktard. Not at all. There is plenty of other people who are fucktards too, but please hang out with your own crowd? Know your limits.

I’m stupid enough to think that if someone is hitting on me, they think they actually have a chanse and they have based this assumtion on some sort of understandings of social structures, human to human interaction and so on. So I generally give people a chanse. Big mistake in the bdsm-world. I mean, yes I have been approached by people who is way under my level when it comes to looks, but I assumed that if you were ugly and approached someone who looked better then you it was because you knew you had a winning personality. But it doesn’t work like that in cat’o’nine-world, nooo. Here people approach you solemnly based on sucidial desperation. I can see it in their minds: “OOh, lookit female, she wants to trample me/drink my urine/be whipped till she cries, I can see it on her, I mean she IS in the same room/city/continent as me, and we all know what that means *gner gner*”.

The best ones are the dominant males who sends you e-mails telling you that something in your presentation isn’t grammatically correct. And then getting angry with you because you answer back at them. Yes, it happened the other day and it was the last drop. Theres idiots in vanilla land too, but they are so much more easily avoided.

My latest project now has been to sleep with a guy from the caribs (west india),  his idea of gender roles are so old school that to me, it’s almost D/s role play. I think that this might be the lovely middle rode for me. Sleep with strange people instead of BDSM, and I still get my dose of sexual weirdness.

Oh yes, the trylesbianism. It didn’t work, at all. I’m sorry to say it, but I can’t have a relationship with someone who dislikes heterosexuals. Or thinks bisexuals have it easy. I am officially fail at hanging out with lesbians. Or at least that type of lesbian. This isn’t the first time I hear this either. And it bugs me.
Just because you are an oppressed minority, that doesn’t give you the right to oppresse another minority now does it.
So I gave up, and went on to converting one of Ves friends from straight to bi instead. That was fun. I think it works better for me to just have relationships or such with other bisexuals.

So, not that much ranting, just a normal little blog-thingie. But at least, we are back:D.


The ugly people vs autumn

SIlia:

I’m sorry. I’ll say it now in the beginning of the post so you know it. I’m terribly sorry. I have the most horrendous autumn depression, and have been battling demons for a couple of weeks. Hopefully the worst is now over. So, tada. I’m back.

So that you don’t loose confidence in me completely I’m gonna make a very short explanation about the depression. I’m sensitive to hormonal changes. Many people are. I had a great childhood, wasn’t even bullied that bad, everything has been abfab the whole time, but I still get depressed. And I get panic attacks, and I fall apart. I try (oh god I do try) to not do it in public, so then I have to lock myself in for a couple of weeks. So, don’t feel sorry for me and please do not start thinking I’m one of the sexually-abused-selfdestructive-now-gone-bdsm girls. Selfdestructive possibly. But no, no horrible abuse, nothing. Just sensitive. Thanks a bunch. Lets get on with this then bois and girlies.

The Ugly

Everytime I surf kink-communities it breaks my heart. Is this the people that will, for the rest of my life, try to sex me up? Am I stuck with these wallmart/jysk/coop/equivalent supermarket with clothes/furniture/food for people without taste/tastebuds-type of people? Is this it? Goddamnit! And when I think those thoughts, my sexuality dies a bit.

I’m shallow. I’m extremely horrible, bad and shallow. Why? Because I actually want to be turned on by the looks of the person who is shagging me. I feel it is degrading when some ugly* horrible flabby man/woman stands there with bad teeth and halitosis and ties me up and you know, fucks me.

It could definitely be a kink, this whole shagging-the-uglies. But I prefer to give power to some one who deserves it, both intellectually and physically. Else, it’s even more a play, it becomes horrible obvious that I’m all pretend. I don’t want that. I don’t want to feel disgust.

Yes, disgust. That is what I feel. I’m sorry, again, but I feel disgusted by these no-taste-no-brain people, especially when they start talking about SSC and alike. I feel so detached when someone I wouldn’t touch even if i got paid a million for it starts talking about safety precautions. In my world they wouldn’t ever need any safety precautions because they would never have any use for them.
Or, lets rephrase that. I don’t like when they start talking to me about sex and assume that the safety discussion is necessary come miracle and we would have sex. Read my lips: It wont happen. It seems like kink has become the safecard to pull for the uglies to get laid with the goodies. Instead of, for example, learn how to dress and talk, think, walk, behave and so on. “I look like crap and I haven’t bought new jeans (or my god, leather trousers) since 1995, but hey, I’m really good at shibari”. Look at my face: Does it in any way indicate sexual interest? Hey, you can even feel my panties if you want to. It doesn’t get drier. Welcome to desert land.

Or why not, here is a favourite, ugly people telling me they demand this and this and that of me. “You are a submissive, and to earn my domination you have to be willing to submit like this and this”. Thats interesting, now please go away. It’s annoying when anyone does that, but it’s even more annoying when it’s a damn ugly nobody who does it. Somewhere in the evil depths of my mind lurks the sentence “shut up, you should be grateful I’m even reading this”.

I need to respect the person I have sex with. I need to know that when we finished shagging, slapping and tying eachother to the bed, I’m gonna be able to have an interesting conversation with this person. I need to know that if I crash this person will pick me up, not pat me on the shoulder and go: Oh, SSC.
Yes, I’m playing connect the dots here. Ugly, tasteless person with no sence of social skills (because, if they had, they wouldn’t dress so damn bad) is not someone I think would suddenly turn into a person that actually knows how to pick me up. Yes, yes, please do bash me. Thats ok, this’s a rant after all.

Look at it this way: Someone who has a completely different lifestyle then you, do you think that person is fit to be your playpartner? Stop being politically correct: Do you seriously think that someone who is so far away from you as can be, would be able to understand you? No. Well, I work with design and spend my days discussing social structures. I write and I photograph. Do you seriously think that a person who spend their time working with trends would be able to get something out of someone who is blind when it comes to the same area?

Oh well. I guess I’ll have to go back to the vanilla pond.

*Ugly here means “with nothing interesting, not looks, not personality, nothing”. Ugly = not in any way attractive. Don’t pretend you are jesus, you have seen people like that too. Admit it, you don’t want to sleep with them.


Hyphy and sex-me-ups

I’m listening to hyphy and contemplating my need for getting some.

Do so you too for a minute, and then read on.

Welcome back!
I’m still waiting to get inspiration enough to write these two huge entries, one about domming and one about ssc. But I’m just not getting it. I’ll try again later. In the mean time, I’m gonna go dig the internet up looking for hyphy, crunk and ghetto tech.

glhf.


Oh teh SAD.

So, I’m lying on the floor, tied up in a whatsitcalled, frogtie, hogtie, random ugly animal-tie, on my back anyhow. He is sitting on the floor saying things and I’m trying to look submissive and behave like I care. You know, like I give a shit about anything else then getting fucked. Like him. He is a bit cute.

“This is what you like, isn’t it, you damn slut. You are just begging for my cock, aren’t you, your masters cock”
And so on. I make some muffled contributes to the conversation, thanking god for the gag because there is no way in a burning hell I would be able to keep a straight face and say “yes, master, I’m your slut”.
But, Silia, aren’t you submissive, I thought you were, everyone I know who is into BDSM and knows you claims that you are?
Well. Here it is then: No, I’m not. I just like being fucked that way. I like playing that role, and I like using submissiveness as a surrogat for love, when I don’t have that to give. If I can’t give you my heart, here, take my body instead and I’m sorry for the inconvinience but the heart is closed for maintenance right now. Will be back shortly. In the meantime, feel free to fuck me senseless and call me a whore.

Because I know what you can’t have.

It’s power play. I give you the power over my body, and I excersise the power of knowing that I can make you drool and beg and nag and dream and think everyday about the possibility to get that power again. And we both know that the power I give away is not real. It’s just play. But the power I have over you is very real.

And I use my power. All I can.

Angelina Jolie

I can’t see anything holy about my body. I know I’m suppose to see it as some sort of temple, but frankly, I’d rather have sex.

I’m not submissive. I like pretending to be, but more then once in the context of dominant men or women I find my self more than a little offended that they think they have power over me. It’s a mix between Prove me wrong! and Get out of my face. I know I don’t like winning a fight, because my way of keeping control is to ensure the other part that they have control over me. I trick them. And when they indulge in excersizing their power, I grow cold. Because they are easy and I can manipulate them.

Do you remember the movie with Angelina Jolie, Girl, Interupted? She screams in the end of the movie something about Why isn’t anybody pushing my buttons? I know that feeling. Sometimes I’m standing in the center of a storm, pushing and pushing and pushing away everyone, but nobody pushes back. So I push a little further. This is not good practica in sex. Especially not when the other person is holding a whip. I think this might also be the reason that I almost punched a guy in the face. He just kept doing what he thought was ok, and I just kept letting him. Pushing him further away from me, making him smaller and smaller in my eyes, until all he was, was a drooling sexgraced idiot who was so distanced from me that I wanted to kick his ass. I didn’t. But I managed to get myself back to reality and stop it. I was about 30 cm from his face with my fist by then.

This is the sad post. I promise not to make them a habit. But sometimes I think it’s important to speak up about what drives different people into the whole BDSM scene. Even if we are all grown ups and SSC (argh argh, more about that later), many people both here and in vanilla land, are broken and looking for ways to fix themself. In general, I’d say, don’t do it my way. Try the happy go luck ignorant road abit to the right instead. So much more fun, even if I do get laid more often;).


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