Tag Archives: I’m not safe

Knife and punch

For the second week in a row, last Friday had some play that left me breathless, both literally and figuratively speaking.  This was some knifeplay which for me is always has been very challenging.

B is someone who, together with his partner L have turned into two very dear friends whose friendship I treasure immensely. Not only are they both deliciously hedonistic and perverted, but to sit down and speak to any of them means engaging in interesting and stimulating conversations. And oh, B is totally nutters as well, making comedy-domming into an artform while L always snaps incredible photographies.

At the party where all the ‘drama’ happened between me and Electronic Doll there was also other things going on. Such as B not believing me when I told him that the knife I gave him for B’day indeed was non-Freudian. I.E me presenting him with a knife did was not my way of saying that I wished him to do the stab-stab-stab thing or something similar. But as I said, B did not me believe me at all.

My relationship to knifes is troubled. There is a phobia, stemming from cutting myself by accident quite badly as a kid, and a control-issue that I have managed to direct in towards one single phobia. The result can be somewhat severe, which also makes it really hard for me to play with knifes, since there has been occasions when I’ve fainted due to knives being waved around. But there has also been a couple of good playtimes, as well as sadly, a bad one where someone broke my trust and then being proud over doing so…

At the first party there was first the knife and then the rough body play. And as I was lying down on the floor, my mind is still raising when he traces the blade over my body, then using the whole knife to make me even more aware of it being there. I trust this man immensely so I even if I’m jumpy and slightly antsy, I remain on the floor, trying to not breathe to fast, trying to take it all in, knowing the blade is right there in his hand, that he is moving it around, aiming it at me, flipping it, letting it dance in his hands. And he make me understand that he knows how to handle it, not just holding the knife but giving it life.  That knowledge is more frightening than the proprieties of the knife it self. And I guess this is where my fear lies, because a knife cutting vegetables in a kitchen is not the same as the knife in the hands of someone.  I hardly trust my own hands with a knife, knowing that it is likely that I will cut myself at some point. Its easy to do, no doubt about it. But then the element of someone who knows how to handle it, the knife is really out of your hands. Out of your control.

But after all of that there is still more, and that is the punching game. Now, if I would describe rough body play versus some of the other less direct, more tool in hand play like flogging, there are some distinct differences. First of all, while the sensations from slapping and flogging and the like can actually be very pleasurable,  it is not really that for me with punches. A punch is very intense, a fist in your side leaves you breathless and it is so much more likely that you will try to shield your own body. The thing is, that kind of intensity is enough on its own. It does not need to be pleasurable, because there is the fear there, the anticipation, the way that you have to poise your body, prepare, and then you react, your instinct tells you to protect your self, and you try but in the same time you don’t want it to stop.  And when B wrap a chain around his fist, stares at me, oddly smiling with eyes that pierce straight through me, I only have time to think ‘God, I must be to twisted for my own good’ before I’m so far away. He is adding pressure on to places on my chest that unexpectedly make it hard for me to breathe. I don’t know why, but I am lying on my back,  and I don’t want it to end, in the same way as I want it to stop but still don’t. That conflict, arising from the well- known self-preservation as well as the desire to still feel it, to still feel it all.

A week later and we are attending the lovely rubber-party at a friends place, some more of the action that went on you can read here. Lets just say it was one of the most debauched events this year. Latex definitely bring out something special in people.

B and L are here again, L dressed as the most beautiful rubber doll you could ever imagine and B wearing latex apron and kilt. Early on in the evening B shows me with a big grin that he brought the knife I gave him, and I by then have a feeling that it will not matter what I say, the knife will always be seen as Freudian. After some other shenanigans during the evening we start to play. And this time it is the reverse, first punch and then knife. His trademark glee in the eyes, as he holds me by the throat, tightening his grip and then simulating a movement, making it look like he is visually ripping my throat with his bare hands. And because of the pressure, the preciseness  and the speed, I don’t have much time to think, except when he slows it down, allowing me to think but only because he is building the fear up. After more rough play, I’m already a shivering heap of sensitive nerve-endings and breathing heavily. And I don’t even know how I know that the knife has come out. I don’t even know that it has not, because he leads me to believe it as. Slowly playing around with it over my body, and it feels like every nerve in my body is going to pop. I’m sitting up, this I remember, and I think the ‘knife’ came close to my face, and that is when I loose it. But as quickly as it comes, B notice it, stops and hold me, and I can control it nowadays, I can take a hold of the panic attack and return to the life relatively quickly, especially when I know that everything is safe. We sit for a while, L comes over and we talk. We talk about everything and nothing, and about how happy we are that we all know eachother, that there is a chosen family of us in this crazy town.

And I kind of don’t want to stop there. I really don’t because I know that if one falls off the horse, you should get up again, especially if you happen to like it.  And I happen to like the thought to work on my knife-phobia and get off on it. Not so much sexually, but for the adrenaline, for the rush and for the fear, that is controlled and administered by skilful hands. So instead not jumping on the horse again, I asked if we could do some more, but with me lying down, and I got what I asked for, but now he actually used the knife. Again, tracing it, simulating stabbing and cutting, mixing the speed of this and in general, again, being very frightening. I remembered breathing, most of all, kept it in the back of my head. It was only when he went for the hands, the fingers that I could not do it, with flashbacks to when I cut myself as very young. He changed the focus, and by the time he was done, I was dwelling so deep in the adrenaline subspace that I almost thought I would not return.

I did. And I still maintain, that the knife was not intended to be a Freudian slip of a gift. Somehow though, I don’t think that L and B believe me.

 

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Gun

I’m pushed down on my knees, endorphins flowing so fast I can hear a buzz in my ears. He has traced the gun slowly over my body, and now I can feel the cold metal at the back of my neck. Two minutes ago, I still knew that it was not real, it could not be, he would not do it. He would…not..

But there is doubt now, an that doubt has transformed in to fear, and the fear makes me believe that it is just a matter of a fraction of a second before his hand will tense slightly to pull the trigger. But I can’t do anything about it, I can’t stand up, all of my defences are down, shackled or held in uncomfortable positions. The metal handcuffs make every movement into a struggle. I never want to leave this place. I feel like I am never going to leave, that this space is the last that I will inhabit…. And that realization makes everything perfect, as I wait for his next move.


I come crashing

Yesterday, I fell asleep. This isn’t abnormal or strange in anyway. But it’s how the story starts.

I fell asleep at the bed, still fully dressed, quite early last night, and my lover was sitting in the sofa doing things. After a while I woke up from him coming over to me and thinking that sex might be a good idea. Normally, I find the whole wake-up-and-fcuk scenario quite sexy, but this time I completely panicked. Witch is a rather strange and complicated process when “no, no, NO, fuck, NO, DON’T” normally means “yes”. Use the safe words! I can hear you scream in unison. But srsly, how easy are they to remember when you just dragged yourself out of sleepy land?  I kept falling asleep again, waking up and panicking, falling asleep, waking up, falling, waking, falling. Everytime I couldn’t keep my eyes open I was scared witless that he would do something without knowing I didn’t want it while I didn’t have 100% focus.

Because it is my responsibility. I can’t just tell him “here ya go, kid-o, take the power over me and do nasty stuff all you like” and then expect him to know when to stop. How is he magically suppose to know that this time it might feel like rape, when I liked it yesterday? How could I ever blame him if it went wrong, when it’s such a messy safe space for signalling right or wrong? Especially since he isn’t used to this. And I would never forgive myself if i’d let him hurt me unknowingly.

Sex opens up for a whole range of emotions, and both parties always has the responsibilty to make clear how they feel about it. I can’t leave it all up to him, and he can’t leave it all up to me. Just as much as we both need to listen. I know it’s a cliché, but it became so extremely clear to me yesterday while I panicked. It was the first time that happened to me. And, not so strange that it happened either, first of all I was asleep, but also, earlier while we were having sex and we were switching position it started to hurt in a bad way and we had to quit. The fear of sudden pain was still in the back of my mind. That combined with his way of talking, witch is normally teh sexay, lapsed me into defensive mode. I’m just glad he understood that something was wrong.

Of course it didn’t just end with hugging and talking. No, we had to have a huge row about feminism afterwards, ending up with me being wrong and a complete asswhole and him being right. Confusing? No shit. How handle that? What started out with me being more scared then I’ve been in years, ended with me being utterly stupid.

And now, it’s a new day, and I’m going back home to the north, and I can’t even find it in me to get turned on. At all. I’m utterly not up for it, today. Understandable, yes, but ok? No. And here comes the next question. Is it ok to have sex for the social value of it, or is that doing him wrong? Would I make this even more messy if I decided to have sex anyway, ignoring my lack of lust, after this crash thing?  How do you people handle your crashes?

And don’t start saying that “you should never have sex unless you feel horny enough”, because that’s complete bull. You don’t always have to be horny and all in to have sex. I’m betting most of you have had sex because your partner was up for it and you just wanted to be nice. After a while the body gets going anyway.